Grab Your Hankies--It's Good for Your Soul

I've been writing about decluttering and sometimes relating it to bereavement. I don't spend all my time decluttering and even less grieving, but this is the time of year when I do remember my father's passing and make an effort to watch a film that deals with grief. Before this loss I never would go out of my way to watch a film and say, "Thank goodness that really showed loss." But in the last few years I've learned that we often lose opportunities to bring up grief as time goes on, yet we feel grief come up in small pieces here and there, especially when important dates roll around. It's hard to know if grief is welcome or appropriate after a certain amount of time, and it can be plain hard to access. That's why movies provide some occasional moments where we can release feelings we might be carrying around, perhaps unbeknownst to us.

I take special note of any good "grief movies" because today I feel grateful when I see a good one. (Nicholas Sparks sometimes fails us.) It can be a relief to see a film take on the universality of suffering that we all face--loss of loved ones. Yes, it sounds dark, but a good cry can be like a release and leave you feeling cleansed and even lighter. At any rate, here are a few of my top recommendations in no particular order if you're looking for catharsis and a good story:


1. Lars and the Real Girl--This story has a bizarre plot line that could scare some away. A young man works through his repressed grief for his deceased mother as he becomes attached to a human doll. Sounds crazy and disturbing, but as most who've seen it know, it's a beautiful story about a community laboring to help a man through his grief. Stars the lovely Ryan Gosling too. This was the first movie I watched where I realized I needed some time and space to just focus on grief--the everyday chores were taking over and I needed permission to just focus on my feelings through the story of someone else's loss. I know tons of peers who also love this movie just as a film in general.

2. The Family Stone--This is a good one for dealing with the Christmas holidays without a family member. It's an offbeat story and a bit dark and quirky, but you sympathize with the family as they learn they're losing one of their own. Plus it has some funny moments and a good cast including Sarah Jessica Parker, Luke Wilson, and Dermott Mulroney.

3. The Boys are Back--I have no clue how Netflix found this one for me. This movie sold me on Clive Owen. A man takes on the role of single father to his two boys. Set in the outback of Australia, you see the difficulties and frustrations as this pack of men struggle to become a new family unit. This is a real bereavement film because loss moves the plot from the get-go, but I liked how it shows the process of a family adjusting to a new way of life. Also has good acting, funny moments, and distinct Australian scenery.


4. Shadowlands--Okay, so I saw this one ages ago and already knew it was a great movie. But some of the lines about loss still resonate with me. The story of C.S. Lewis and his rather surprising marriage late in life is worth seeing, and I remember the English countryside as gorgeous. Stars the great Sir Anthony Hopkins. Very British, very repressed, and worthy of many Kleenexes.


5. Hachi: A Dog's Tale--So this one had me crying when I saw the trailer. Put dogs and loss together and you have a snotfest. Richard Gere plays the middle-aged owner of Hachi, a lovely Akita. If you saw the trailer, you'll know the plot revolves around Hachi's loyalty to his owner. The story is based on the real Japansee Hachi who waited faithfully for his master for many years after the owner was gone. Directed by Lasse Hallestrom, rated G and a great film for dog lovers. 

6. Disney's Up--This is a late addition to this post that I forgot about. I had no idea what to expect from this movie and was shocked at how it blatantly tackles bereavement while still being an animated children's movie. The beautiful message is that while we grieve, sometimes it is okay to move on to newer adventures and relationships. That's probably why it was such a successful film.


I watch more comedies than dramas, but I am thankful for movies like these. Plus the ones I've listed have enough warm moments to make you glad you saw them. I don't like darkness for darkness's sake, but sometimes it feels right to tune into someone else's grief story and enjoy the moment of relating to their feelings. I'm sure that's what makes good art good in many instances--when we can relate on some important level, it becomes much more meaningful.

And if you want to think of it as decluttering your grief, it is important to clear out any backed up feelings from time to time. This can lead to better health and resiliency.


For more grief movies, you can google "movies" and "bereavement" to see much more comprehensive lists. If you have any suggestions, feel free to comment.

Rebelling is not helping...but I'm still good.

So I've take some time away from this blog for other life stuff--as Mike Nelson, author of Stop Clutter from Stealing Your Life, says, life is not about decluttering! We have other fun, higher purposes. 

Nelson's book is not really a how-to, but more an exploration of why we clutter. One of his interesting theories is that some cluttering comes from rebelling against our parents, even as adults. I found this quite intriguing. It's funny how we can claim our independence by not doing what we should do, which ends up as self-defeating. (My go-to example is of the student who gets bad grades to piss off his parents, when in reality he's hurting his own future the most.) While clutter reminds me of 5th-grader who is having fun fun fun getting away with not doing something, the consequences of clutter do hurt in the end. Nelson advocates fully leaving home so you don't have to rebel anymore. It's no longer about claiming independence from Mom or Dad—it's about you and your own life and productivity. If you are fully on your own, you're no longer reacting to anybody through clutter.

I had mentioned that I would do a post about my mother and the kitchen, and without going into too much detail, I would say that she was the more "serious" clean parent, while my dad was the more fun, less tidy parent. So who did I want to be more like? Mr. Fun Dad. He was quite responsible, yet he usually looked like he was having a better time day to day. Mom looked more stressed, so I mistakenly associated super-cleanliness with being less fun. Today I would say my mom is fun, but to a kid's eyes, I couldn't see it as much back then. She was just really busy and needed a certain level of cleanliness to feel happy. But, I don't have to do things her way either. I can be tidier, but I opt to not be quite as compulsive as my mom once was.

Shame has certainly popped up as I have bumped into other folks and their attitudes toward tidiness. I have known some folks who are quite judgmental about clutter and can make it a topic filled with anger and self-righteousness. Getting rid of this clean good/clutter bad split makes rebelling less necessary. Messy does not equal bad or unlovable. Clean does not equal good or lovable. It's just easier in the end and visually less stressful. As organizational guru and author Marcia Ramsland says, clean is not a moral issue. It feels like it sometimes, the way some people act. But making it less of a hot-button or moral issue means I don't need to take on any negative messages that make cleanliness or neatness a moral statement about my worth. I wonder if many of these critical people require orderliness just to achieve a sense of calm. Perhaps that's why they get so angry sometimes?

My fear of being boring and tidy is also right brain rebellion. Some clutterers fear that organizing will stifle creativity. Organizational guru Julie Morgenstern touches on this—she says some creative people are afraid they'll lose their creative juices, but in the end, they are freer to pursue their creative passions all the more when things are in order. Just her mentioning this fear makes me feel better.

I am still absorbing these messages and need to buy into them, but it's a relief to know that I could stop reacting to the fear of being high-strung or so busy cleaning I become boring. I've heard that having a clean home is a major key to having a vibrant life elsewhere. I can't really escape that truth...as much as my 5th grade self wants to skate by and get away with being messy, it just doesn't work. And that's a good adult realization.

Facebook Clutter?

I've had a love/hate relationship with facebook for years. Call it my paranoid streak, but I don't trust a 20-something with that much personal data.


Still, facebook has given me many happy hours and fun conversations, shared links and photos, messages, etc. For a long time it served its purpose in my life and allowed me to keep up with people.


But this year, I've really hit a weird spot--and I've started to see it as clutter.


Facebook makes a LOT of sense if you truly use it to communicate with people you either frequently see or it becomes a major way of staying in touch with important folks far away. Yet I've noticed that lately, my most important communications are taking place off facebook, and when I really need to hear from someone, it's not done through FB. If I have a need, I need to call or maybe email...FB is not the main way to communicate in my closest circle of friends.


So that means FB is more about lighter connections for me, usually, and those are not connections I need to view every single day. That doesn't mean that my friends' or aquaintances' updates and news are clutter in and of themselves, but with that newsfeed running and running on a daily basis, it's all starting to run together. And it's hard to see what's urgent or important when there's just so much text going and going...it has become clutter. Especially in the visual sense.


I'm sure FB has lots of high-priority information for circles that use it to keep in touch, but for me, on a day when I really need to hear from a friend, my post/update can get lost in the shuffle. A friend recently said to me,  "Oh, if I had seen that you wanted encouragement that day, I would have said something. I must have missed it." As I shared my frustration with a few friends, I started hearing that others too had been a bit hurt of miffed that their comments or photos didn't warrant comments. But, to be fair, we are all so barraged with updates and photos, it is hard to keep up...and the only solution I can think of is to directly reach out to those who we need to connect with--a status update is not guaranteed two-way communication. No one is really obligated to reply as in a real conversation.


I took almost a month off facebook and can tell you it looked the same when I went back--if something urgent or amazing had happened, I wasn't going to find it amidst all the typical newsfeed stuff anyways. I don't know when I'll deactivate again, and I do plan to just delete someday, but the main thing I've learned is that in this phase of my life, facebook is no longer a major "social utility" that I need. I've also heard of people quitting due to similar frustrations as well as freaking out that it was sucking up so much of their time. At least for the visual clutter, perhaps FB needs a feng shui master to consult with them? Maybe that's what the timeline update is going for.


The irony is that if I wanted more action on this blog, I could get it if I posted it on facebook. What a pickle, eh? I'll hold off for a while...it's fun to "live off the grid" and see what happens.

No Finger Pointing with Feng Shui

I'm going to delay a bit in talking about the kitchen and memories of my mother...instead, I was thinking today about feng shui and why it's an alluring philosophy for cleaning up one's act. It hit me: it's completely out of the schema of family and friends telling us to clean up. 


I am not particularly into Eastern philosophies, though I do some middle-of-the-road yoga. I sorta kinda believe spaces have energy. We are sensory beings, and sensory overload stresses me out at some point, just as a lovely, airy space brings peace. So yes, there's some "energetic" quality to spaces. Aesthetics matter and impact our feelings.


Focusing on aesthetics and "energy" (emotional response?) helps "detoxify" the negative feelings toward organizing. I read a basic feng shui book by Mary Lambert and while I don't believe everything in it, reading that book felt so freeing. If organizing is based on space, flow, chi, etc. then cleaning up gets depersonalized and framed in a new way. Kind of a superstitious way, but it's a fresh approach with no baggage and lots of promise to help me directly. When it's not about disapproval and the shoulds, it becomes more about benefiting me and my household. That is pretty darn shame-free. No family voices, no grumpy  roommates, no societal expectations of what women should be doing in the home. Just a motivation to be more functional, peaceful, and self-sufficient. 

Reading Lambert's book, I loved the idea of decluttering as "moving on," which is so key when dealing with estate clutter. Out of everything in that book, that concept comforts and motivates me the most. Saying "it's okay to move on" makes it easier to let go of items and boosts my energy level. It also alerts me that I am doing something difficult--sometimes it feels good to move on, but sometimes it brings grief. But moving on will happen, even if it needs to be in spurts. I also became aware that I wasn't always sure it was okay to move on--so I learned more about myself and past habits. (Turns out I am pretty sentimental.)


As for feng shui itself, I don't believe specific furniture arrangements will bring good luck into my life, but I do believe freeing up space will help me stay on top of paperwork, not trip on something in the dark hall, etc. Instead of just doing a chore, I am helping myself out. And aesthetically, it just looks and feels better. Perhaps feng shui entices the clutterer to have internal motivation to get organized, rather than calling attention to outside forces from the past or present. They say wanting something for yourself is the key to changing a habit, so I'll take the motivations I like from feng shui and leave the rest.

Kitchen Update...Decluttering and Shopping?

I received an emphatic email from my second cousin saying I simply must get my own dishes. He recommends I keep 'em about ten years or so, and if you have kids, let them ding them up. Then you move on. I don't have much time to post, but I will say I did eye some dishes this weekend. The were (gasp!) square. Whoa. (I was shopping at Kohl's and didn't realize they sold kitchenware.) And while I don't know how old the inherited dishes are, they are at least 8, if not older. I like rules that give me more permission to spend money. If you're gonna say I need to, then what can I do?