Rebelling is not helping...but I'm still good.

So I've take some time away from this blog for other life stuff--as Mike Nelson, author of Stop Clutter from Stealing Your Life, says, life is not about decluttering! We have other fun, higher purposes. 

Nelson's book is not really a how-to, but more an exploration of why we clutter. One of his interesting theories is that some cluttering comes from rebelling against our parents, even as adults. I found this quite intriguing. It's funny how we can claim our independence by not doing what we should do, which ends up as self-defeating. (My go-to example is of the student who gets bad grades to piss off his parents, when in reality he's hurting his own future the most.) While clutter reminds me of 5th-grader who is having fun fun fun getting away with not doing something, the consequences of clutter do hurt in the end. Nelson advocates fully leaving home so you don't have to rebel anymore. It's no longer about claiming independence from Mom or Dad—it's about you and your own life and productivity. If you are fully on your own, you're no longer reacting to anybody through clutter.

I had mentioned that I would do a post about my mother and the kitchen, and without going into too much detail, I would say that she was the more "serious" clean parent, while my dad was the more fun, less tidy parent. So who did I want to be more like? Mr. Fun Dad. He was quite responsible, yet he usually looked like he was having a better time day to day. Mom looked more stressed, so I mistakenly associated super-cleanliness with being less fun. Today I would say my mom is fun, but to a kid's eyes, I couldn't see it as much back then. She was just really busy and needed a certain level of cleanliness to feel happy. But, I don't have to do things her way either. I can be tidier, but I opt to not be quite as compulsive as my mom once was.

Shame has certainly popped up as I have bumped into other folks and their attitudes toward tidiness. I have known some folks who are quite judgmental about clutter and can make it a topic filled with anger and self-righteousness. Getting rid of this clean good/clutter bad split makes rebelling less necessary. Messy does not equal bad or unlovable. Clean does not equal good or lovable. It's just easier in the end and visually less stressful. As organizational guru and author Marcia Ramsland says, clean is not a moral issue. It feels like it sometimes, the way some people act. But making it less of a hot-button or moral issue means I don't need to take on any negative messages that make cleanliness or neatness a moral statement about my worth. I wonder if many of these critical people require orderliness just to achieve a sense of calm. Perhaps that's why they get so angry sometimes?

My fear of being boring and tidy is also right brain rebellion. Some clutterers fear that organizing will stifle creativity. Organizational guru Julie Morgenstern touches on this—she says some creative people are afraid they'll lose their creative juices, but in the end, they are freer to pursue their creative passions all the more when things are in order. Just her mentioning this fear makes me feel better.

I am still absorbing these messages and need to buy into them, but it's a relief to know that I could stop reacting to the fear of being high-strung or so busy cleaning I become boring. I've heard that having a clean home is a major key to having a vibrant life elsewhere. I can't really escape that truth...as much as my 5th grade self wants to skate by and get away with being messy, it just doesn't work. And that's a good adult realization.